2009

" I wanna go to the college for the rest of my life." As of right now, that is me! I love all of my friends. We have grown so close and I was nervous about going to college knowing no one, but in the end I have made more friends than some people meet in a lifetime. I hope to continue loving college and being successful at nursing.

Nashville. Love it! Grand Ole Opry is very interesting even for those who do not love country music. The hotel is just as amazing, and pretty sure that is where my wedding will be held!

Disney with my girls. Magical place where all your dreams come true and worries go away. Must experience this place more than once in your life! I did enjoy Morgan getting every characters autograph and her stories about sheep!

Bahamas. I love the beach soooo much! My room is a tropical getaway. I got that from my mother. Words cannot explain how clear and the water is there. It is as if someone dropped blue dye into the water. It is unreal!

I made it! Finally out of there. And no I have yet to look back and wish I was back. I've found myself and surrounded myself with people with similar goals, morals, and ideals. High school taught me life lessons and I owe it that. I gave the opening speech, and those were my last words at SHS.

Kenny Chesney concert! Seven hours of pure awesomeness! I love concerts and music! Music is my way of expressing myself when I cannot put things into conversations with others. It is my stress relief and tells who I am. When I graduate from college, I do not want a new house or car, but a baby grand piano. Call me a dork, but it is who I am.

The greatest blessing. Full ride scholarship. I worked hard, but none of that would be possible without the love of my father. He's dedicated his life to me. I know I can ever express how much he means to me. I did it for him, not for myself, because I know he wants the best for me and would never settle for less. I did want him working three jobs to get me through college. With this scholarship, I can live my dream of becoming a nurse into a college with direct admit entrance. Also, I can not forget my Father above who has given me all and more in life. I do not understand why God chose me, but He did. Thank you.

Prom. I loved it this year, because I wasn't in charge ha! Also, I fell in love with this boy. Not real love, but the feeling of love to clarify. He taught me to do something irrational and take a chance for once in my life. I took a chance in life without make a pros and cons list. It was nice. With that chance, comes trust. He also taught me that trust can be given and taken away so easily. Once trust is broken, it is hard to regain. For once in my life, I stood up to someone who was running over me. I walked away and realized I have bigger goals in life and not wasting my time on second chances. Life only offers one, as do I. He is still my best friend, just one I sadly cannot trust, but through it I regret none and I am a stronger person.

My best friend since kindergarten moved to a school about forty minutes away. Not too far, but when you have been with this person pretty much everyday of your life for eighteen years, that is tough. I realized this move was for the better for her basketball career, her family, and other drama that silly small towns include. I also realized that distance does make the heart stronger. We became closer in that senior school year then I ever would have imagined. We still hung out like always and supported each other. I met so many new friends through her and blessed I met these people.

Senior Night. I told myself I wouldn't cry, and what do I do? Yes, I cried. I had a speech, because I never go anywhere unprepared. When I got to the part about my friends, I lost it. They are at my games, and truly are priceless. I've never known girls to have such tight friends in my life! Then, I couldn't even utter words when I talked about my dad. If you haven't met my dad, well then you're missing out! He is MY cheerleader! To give you an idea of the type of man my dad is---Jordan thanked my dad and his parents in his speech. I hope to impact some one's life like that.

"We do not remember days; we remember moments."

-Cesare Paveese, The Burning Brand

These moments in my life sum up the events in 2009 which make me who I am. This year has been the end of one chapter of my life, not the end. Only finishing another chapter, because I have many more chapters to fill in my book. This year has been life changing in more ways than one. I've stood up for myself and not let others run over me. I've completed so many things I never knew God could bless me with. I owe it all to God, my Father in Heaven.My first love-cheerleading. This has been my life for so many years. It has taught me hard work, state championships, how to work with others, how to stand up for myself, and expressing myself the best way which is dancing. My team is my family. No one understands the bond until you're part of it. My sound cheesy, but these girls and guys will always be my family that I love. Cheerleading will always be part of my life, because it taught me to be outgoing, and that a smart, Christian girl can be a state champion cheerleader. So don't judge a book by its cover.

My Keeper

I watched the movie, My Sister's Keeper ,and the little girl had no control over her body. Neither did the lawyer who stood up for her. Some things in life we do not choose, as in what family or country we are born into, or operations.Sometimes things are forced upon us for reasons we do not understand. Without a mom, I learned to be independent. By being in and out of hospitals, I learned to take care of others before myself.

In and out of hospitals as a child I could tell you almost every doctor and what floor they helped on. I could give diabetic needles and help someone on and off a wheelchair. My pappaw was in the later stages of his life when I came into his life. Diabetes was a common word I heard growing up. Strict diets along with a strict grandpa were also there. He never really said much but when he did, he said it for a reason. Everyone loved my pappaw, because he was hard on people and pushed them to do their best. He never complained during any of the numerous operations he encountered over his life. He kept seeing what else he could do to help others like my dad and me. I learned that lesson from him. I also learned some things in life we have on control over...like cancer.

Watching this movie and my pappaw's death made me realize I cannot control some events in life. Be content with what you have and do the best with what you have. Heard it before I know but it doesn't really hit home until something drastic happens in your life. His death made me see people for their soul and not their body. It really is only temporary. Kind of like God is letting us rent it out, and if we take care of what is inside then we get our money back (heaven). I am not afraid of death or cancer. Things happen in life that we cannot prevent and are inevitable. Carpe Diem.

The last thing my grandpa said to me was, "Good girl." He was paralyzed, could barely speak, and we all knew he was near the end. He uttered those words for a reason. When he spoke; he spoke with purpose. My pappaw is still to this day watching out for me. because whenever I face a tough decision the words he said to me come back. It reminds me of who I am and what I stand for. No one wants to have a broken heart. No one wants a loved one to pass away. No one wants loneliness, fear, or hatred, but no matter our limitations in life...we all live this crazy thing called life.

The Whole Package

I run everyday and today I was at the YMCA. With my iPod in, I couldn't hear anything and was frightened by my old tennis coach. He surprisingly talked my ear off about tennis, his bad foot, and college. Simple, enjoyable conversation, yet I always analyze everything. Something inherited I swear, because my dad could work for the F.B.I. today without training and analyze a terrorist no problem. But my old coach said I didn't recognize you running over here; thought it was Miss America. I chuckled and said, "Yeah right far from that!" He chuckled as well and asked the usual questions when asked about college like, "How are you liking it? How are your grades? What is your major?" And my personal favorite. "Do you have a boyfriend?" I laughed and said,"I'm too busy to focus on anything besides school." Valid comment, yet I didn't say what I really wanted to which was I'm waiting on myself to trust others. He went onto say, "You're beautiful, I mean you work out everyday and keep your body in shape; you're smart; one of the sweetest people I've ever met; and most of all you're tough. You got the whole package." This made me feel good, but he was right I am tough. I don't give up and that showed in tennis. I am tough on myself, and anyone else who tries to get to know me.

There's nothing wrong with these questions except the last one always bugs me. Of course as an expert over analyzer I start to wonder why I do not, and I remember why. I have trust issues which if you are close to me then you know why, and I did not wish to spill out for the world to know. I wish I could give people chances, but I've been on so many dates with guys that I can read them. Don't prejudge. Nice saying, but honestly everyone does it, and I give people chances to a certain extent, because I always have this gut feeling that tells me otherwise. Sometimes you can't think with your head or your heart, because both are completely different. My dad can figure out people within five minutes of meeting them and their intentions. I'm not saying weird fortune telling nonsense; I mean he can tell what people are going to do. He called that my friend would move to play basketball ten years before it happened and sure enough it did. That is just one example, but every time he says something it comes true. I guess I got lucky and inherited that trait. Whenever I've had a gut feeling; it was always right. Call me crazy, but it's helped me not get hurt in the long run. People tell me it's a wonderful thing to have, because I'm not young and naive.

Being young and naive I feel would be an innocent feeling to have for once. Fall into love headfirst, fearless. Then again, everyone assumes love is this feeling you have towards another person. I agree partly. 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind..." Love is an action. It goes onto say in verse 13, "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." Love is unselfish gift to others. Faith is loyalty or complete trust in God or someone else. Hope is to desire something with confident expectation of its fulfillment. So would it be safe to say that if faith and hope in someone is in line, love is complete? These are just my thoughts, and no one besides God has defined love. Even if I don't realize some things in life, I do know one person who loves me always and forever (my dad doesn't count ha!), but Jesus. He loved me enough to die for ME and you! How many people would die for you? Someone who didn't know you die for you? I can't imagine any stronger love than that. "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."- 1 John 3:16.

Even if trust is my downfall, I am willing to learn how to trust again. Without trust/faith/hope in someone you really never have loved. I realize I am my hardest critic. The other day my dad even said, "I wish you weren't so independent so I could do stuff for you. You don't trust other people and would rather do things yourself because you know what you want and how you're going to get it." True. Makes me sound like such a loving person? Not at all. It made me think, maybe I need to let people help me and trust. I've always been the person to go to for help no matter what. I live up to that, and never have known what it is like to go to someone else for help. I feel like I need that one person in my life that I can say I need to vent and they don't have to say anything at all. I don't want a guy to feed me cheesy lines or give me what I want to hear. The people I respected most in my life believed in me and pushed me to my limits. I want someone to push me to my limits (in a good way). Push me to be the best person I can be, and we can both bring out the best in ourselves and grow each day in love...God's love.

"Yeah, I wish that everyone would just feel the same way about everyone else and then everything would be so simple! No one would get hurt!"-quote from my best friend about life tonight over skype.

What a perfect world that would seem. I hope in the future I am more open and trusting to others, so they can see what everyone else sees in me. The whole package.

White Walls

"White walls. white paper. white books. white people."

This was a note that a young man named "Big Mike" wrote in the movie "The Blind Side." Michael could barely write, and his teachers thought he was not intelligent. They thought he did not comprehend the work they had given him, not that he was lazy. He was singled out in an all white private Christian school which is why he wrote the note. He felt helpless and alone. Whatever color your skin is, everyone has felt this emotion at some point and time. At the end of the movie, Michael had to write an essay. He could barely write, but he improved through listening, because those who are in poverty learn the best by listening since most can not read and write. His essay was about courage and hope, and not being blind to events in life.

He told his new legal guardian, or mother, that when he was younger to escape the downfalls of living in the projects, his real mother told him to close his eyes. When he opened his eyes everything would be better.

The real blind side of life is that we often close our eyes to things we do not understand or do not want to accept. Coming from a small town, I often was frustrated when others around me were blind to see the reality of life and that there were so many opportunities out there besides this small town. Now, I see that they do not see know any different, therefore I can only encourage them to reach beyond what they know. I honestly believe if you want something bad enough, you will do anything to get to where you want to be in life. Young and naive you say, well I say good. If I could pass along anything in the world and make one wish, it wouldn't be world peace or love for all. It would be the chance for opportunity. Last year in composition, we read about poverty and the affects it has on people. Many people gripe and complain that these people can just simply go out and get a job. But would you know to do that or have the confidence to do that without knowing or a social group helping you along? You say yes, but you never know until you walked in some body's shoes. I in fact did just that. Two years ago I helped with women and their children who had been neglected and abused. They didn't have to say a word, but you could see in their eyes that they knew in the shelter I helped at that they finally found peace and an opportunity. Poverty, no matter what color or race, creates and internal cycle throughout generations that continues itself. in other words, one would not know any better unless taught or given an opportunity. When you were younger, if someone told you that a dog was a cat, then you would believe that unless taught otherwise and found out for yourself. May sound absurd, but it is simple, yet a true concept.

My Christmas wish would be to give everyone the chance for opportunity. Whether or not a person takes the chance and pushes it to its fullest potential is up to each individual. Many people are given chances and throw it away. Life gives you one chance, and we never know when our last day may come and are not given a second chance. My Spanish teacher in high school always said, "Humans rise to the occasion." If given the opportunity, anybody can rise to the task handed to them. False hopes and dreams...maybe. At least I believe in everyone enough to know that everyone has that opportunity in them. I often become "blind" to things I don't want to believe or find hard to confront, so to get away I run with my iPod or play the piano. The piano is my outlet. I write lyrics then play what I hear in my head as if the lyrics utter words I cannot speak for myself. Everyone has their way of being blind to life. Christ gave us an opportunity. He forgives us daily, and that in itself is a chance worth fighting for. We may not understand an opportunity when we see it, but God has given us all opportunities. He will never gives you anything you can not withstand. We must open our eyes, not be blinded, by the reality of life and open our hearts and minds to the opportunity God has given us.

Transitions

Transitions- some hard, some easy. Today, I was putting away old high school pictures and replacing them with pictures of college. Threw away old paper, book, and odd things I thought I could never live without. I stored away trophies, medals, certificates, and crowns. Putting away all of these things I treasured, so much made me realize that life is a continuous transition. Now, I knew this before, but you really don't understand until you go through it. These things I put away took me back to when I received them and how important they were at the time, but just as everything in life, these things will decay and rust. Who knows, 3,000 years from now, if God allows, my trophies could be in a museum with people thinking, "They actually kept stuff like this?" It's funny how people obsess over obtaining worldly possessions, when in the end they do not really matter. I put these things away as a transition in my life, but also to remind myself of the real trophies I have accomplished. My goal in life is always to encourage and inspire others to better themselves and others around them. Whether I succeed or not in life, well I believe I have thus far. I have helped two of my friends and two other girls I went to school with to become Christians. I've had random people come up to me and even if I was busy I sat down to listen to their problem, because you never know if you're the only person they have in their lives. The most rewarding part of my goal was this past year. I received a note from a quiet, but very intellectual girl in my grade. She was someone I could easily talk to even though others thought she thought different. Thinking differently is what makes people interesting, and I love different viewpoints, whether I agree or not. She wrote in the note that she was thankful that I took the time to teach her cheer leading even though she knew she'd never make the team, but I listened to her and encouraged her. As I read the note, I cried to myself thinking I never knew that meant so much to her. In fact, I forgot I even helped her. Simple things in life such as a smile can make a person's day.

While I was storing these things away, it also reminded me of when I was younger and put away my Barbie's; this was my first transition. Next, came putting away my cheer leading and tennis uniforms. This was the most difficult, because that's what my life revolved around, but slowly your life finds other things to replace it such as textbooks for college ha! Next, is the one I had today. And God willing the next will be graduating from college, marriage, family, and becoming old and passing away. When you think about the transitions, life really isn't that long. Maybe my mind thinks too much, but I feel that people don't think enough, but thinking too much will cause you to stress. A beautiful mind is a blessing, yet a sin.

Along with these transitions, it made me think of my family and friends. There's transitions with people too. Family stays pretty consistent and mine has been there for me and God couldn't have blessed me with a better family. Friends come and go. College has helped me to realize that you'll talk to tops five people from high school and keep close. Don't get me wrong I love socializing and I'm every one's best friend but that's just the way life goes. Those close friends I have I've been friends with since preschool or kindergarten, so I expected us to keep in close contact. That will slowly fade away as well through the years, but we will always keep in contact and keep each other in our hearts closer with our crazy inside jokes and memories. My college friends I wouldn't trade in a million years. They have helped make my transition to college so much easier. I have a knack for getting along with anybody, but these people have impacted my life, as I hope I have impacted theirs.

You never know how much time God will allot you. Carpe Diem, "Seize the day." Simple, yet hard to fulfill each day with hectic schedules. We say we will do this or plan this. Life is unplanned and unexpected. When someone young passes away, people talk about the life they had ahead of them and usually blame it on God. God has a plan for all of us even if we do not understand why; we must always trust God. I always wondered why people do not blame the devil for things that happen in life? He wants people to sin and creates it, so I never get why people do not blame themselves or the devil for things that happen. If anything should happen to me in my life, I always want my friends to know that I tried to be forgiving, honest (never sugar coat when they asked for my opinion), and I always put them first and tried to be the most dependable friend one could have. One of my downfalls is putting others before myself, but with my friends I'd drop anything in a heartbeat to make sure their life was good. My mammaw says daily, "You can't please everybody." True statement, but I can't help but put others and my friends in front of myself. I always want my friends to know that through our transitions, I'll always be there for them. No matter how many ups, downs, twists, and turns are in our roller coaster I'll be by my friends. I promise.

Genesis

Genesis means an origin, creation, or beginning. Here's my genesis. I recently started college at the University of Evansville. The never ending tears and tired face that was upon me all summer suddenly went away as soon as I stepped onto campus. Fear held me back this past summer from thinking about the future. Fear has never held me back. People's opinion and decisions gave me an even greater fear of indecisiveness. Decisions have always been easy for me until then. All in all I feel I made the right beginning by choosing Evansville and nursing. I wouldn't trade my life for anything and I thank God everyday for blessing me with more than I ever deserve. Makes me wonder why he chose me to be so blessed? I know he has a path for me and I need to put all my trust in Him.

I'm currently on Christmas break back in "lovely" Scottsburg. I wish I could say I loved this place, my mom, and even some other people from my past, but the truth is you can't force yourself to love someone. I've grown up and become more independent from college but for certain I've learned that love cannot be forced and memories are never forgotten. Beginnings are essential in making the right impression and creating a solid relationship with love.

I wish I could make a new beginning with my mom, but my memory is very strong, almost photogenic. I wish she was a different person. I've tried ever since I could remember to help her be a better person. It hit me in 10th grade I could not change her. I realized then too that you can not ultimately change a person. I can still remember every house she lived in and what it smelled like and could tell you what she wore on certain weekends. May sound crazy but the memory is strong, which is a pity sometimes to remember everything. Makes the mind go mad.

I wish I could start a new beginning with love in general or whatever I called it back in high school. I want to begin new and date someone because of who they are through and through. I've dated the guy who played every sport the school had to offer (literally), the player, and of course the high school football captain. Sounds like every girls dream come true right? HA! Taylor Swift was wrong in her songs saying she wanted those guys. Sure, they were hot and every girl wanted what I had. But isn't that the way life usually goes? People always wanting the best or what you have? Not anymore, in my new beginning, I'm going for what I honestly deep down want. There's no more drama or others judging who you date. This beginning will have real emotions, real feelings, real connection based upon beliefs and morals, nothing else. In the end, that's what really matters.

Also, in this beginning, I hope to open up to others so everyone can see the real me. I close myself off to others. They never get a chance to know the real me. The real me is real! I'm not a fake dumb cheerleader stereotype. I'm smart (even though I deny myself this). I'm honest. I'm the most dependable person. I'll always be by your side through thick and thin. I'm independent but still need that one person to help me realize I'm not superwoman and need a hand to hold (still looking for that boy). I love God.

As for my Genesis here's my bucket list that I've had for a few years, and I hope at the end of my blogs I can say I have a Revelation.

1. Skydive

2. Live to be 100

3. Be the best mom ever (I hope I don't fall because I've never seen what it's like to be a mom!)

4. Fall in love with a boy who is "real" with me. Not fake, no lies. He is love (1 Cor. 13)

5. Praise God all of my days to be with Him in Heaven one day.

6. Inspire others.

7. Influence others to Christ.

8. Develop a cure to cancer (Hopefully diabetes. It runs in my family)

9. Run in a marathon.

10. Record a CD (Not make it big just get my feelings down in music for myself)

11. Buy a baby grand piano

12. Forgive.

"Whatever you are; be a good one."- Abe Lincoln

>Brooke Nicole<